I haven't sat down to write in a good minute or two. Kenna has been urging me to get on it, and as always she's the source of my motivation. Living away from her has definitely been difficult, but moving out here has been one of the best decisions I have made in a very long time.
About a month ago, I was struggling with severe anxiety with everything going on. I was sitting in my room pondering what I could do to make it better. I remembered my family in Virginia, and how each had been so open about me coming to stay and so I took that leap of faith to do so. I threw away all of my belongings and placed some in storage, and I went on this journey with just a few bags of clothes and my pretty little babiecat. Ghost and I walking through an airport just deciding to restart our lives. Not that he really had a say.
I was sitting with a friend beforehand, discussing my move and the hopes I had for the future. We came up with our own little phrase, "They're just rocks". And that is a motto I've been holding myself to as of late. We all know that woman who wrote that book that I never remember the name of. Something about getting rid of things that don't bring you joy, and even some that do. That concept came into play very quickly. I put it as this; I spent the past three years of my life supplying care to everyone I knew, picking up memories (bad and good) and dragging them around in this unbearably heavy sack behind my shoulders. These boulders of regret and nostalgia, and this move was a way for me to set them down. Why? Because they're just rocks. It wasn't all that simple, but the simplicity of that phrase was easy and calm, the way things are now.
It was hard to leave my mom. After spending every waking hour to make sure I knew she was safe, that I knew what she was doing- not being that close to her was (and is) a little hard for me to wrap my head around. But I know she's doing alright. Even if I can't laugh with her in the passenger seat uncontrollably, I know she's happy and safe and that is enough for me. I deleted my main social media, which I now realized I had sincerely spent way too much time caring about. Taking that much needed break mended and closed so many of my relationships, and the weight of hauling them around slowly decreased. My relationships with my true friends are so much more genuine now, and my relationship with my family has grown so much in the past few months. We may all be all over the country but we are all one knit group, imbedded and intertwined with each other and fitted like wool gloves. The way it could've been all along.
Mathews isn't much but its energy is calming and warm. I've been going on bike rides everyday, exploring the roads and beaches, and today I found one and met the cutest little island dog who was just running around. And for once I felt as free as him, just circling the sand and watching the ocean. I am perfectly content.
Kenna came and visited for a weekend and she fit so perfectly into my family. It made me realize how lucky I am to know her, and how much respect I hold for her. How lucky I am to have such good people around me instead of the negative energy we collect through living in the same town for so long. Where people still care about the immature things you did years ago. Coming out of high school was both horrible and beautiful all in one. It was scary, and we were put in the position to figure everything out, extremely pressured by society and the incredibly high standards we're pushed into as children. But at the same time, you found out who people really are, and who cares for you with genuine love. I got to slow down and take this gap year, which has allowed me to gain my personal growth which I didn't even know that I desperately needed.
The ending of this blog is just simple, I recommend one thing. Set all your bags down and look at yourself as deep as you can, find out the things you adore, the people you love, and the memories you don't need to carry with you anymore. After all, they're just rocks.
this was the best one yet🥺❤️